Hey, just a note...Dr. Dave is the best character on QAF....I know this could be because he's closer to my own age...but hey, he's professional, a snappy dresser, drives an import car, and is a doctor to boot. Now, who could object to that? No one!!

Weee. I just ordered a new laptop today. Cool huh? My current laptop is financed through a guy I work with (well its on his Dell account) this was before I had enough credit to get it myself. I was looking at dell.com today drooling over a new laptop when I thought to myself. "Hey, I wonder if they have an upgrade program for people that are currently within a lease?" I was asking Brian about it and he said "why don't you just let tubby take over the payments on your laptop and you buy your new one" I was like, Hey, good idea. So tubby will get my current laptop (Dell Inspiron 3800. 14.1" SVGA display, 128MB Ram, 500Mhz Celeron, 6.1 gig Hard drive, CD-Rom and floppy, 1 battery, Internal V.90 Actiontec/ESS win modem) and I will get my new Dell Inspiron 8000 (Pentium III 700, 256MB Ram, 10gig HD, 15" Ultra XGA display, DVD). I was going to just finance it through dell again, I even got approved for the loan, but its was at an APR of 18.99%. I decided to say screw that, the APR on my credit cards are only 13.99%. I put it on my discover card for now, 14.99%, I did this so I will get the cash back bonus award on the transaction (about $50.00) then I will do a balance transfer to my Master Card to get a 10.99% apr on the transfer, then do another balance transfer back to my Discover Card to get the 9.99% APR on it. Once that APR runs out, I will transfer it back to my Master Card for the lower interest rate. A bit of a hassle but it saves money.


In other news. My mother is out of the hospital. They released her last tuesday. She is here visiting this weekend. She seems to be ok now. Hopefully she will stay that way. This is the first weekend I have stayed home in FOREVER. I'm bored out of my mind. Tubby and Brian are in Fort Smith right now. *sigh* I just need entertainment. I made my mom watch Trick she actually didn't say to much about it. God. After watching that, it makes me realize how very very far I have to go to get a body like Marks (a character in the movie). I want his chest and stomach so bad. Like tubby says "If you can't have it yourself, you might as well wear it as an accessory" :) I like that saying.


Well. I've been disgruntled and frustrated with work lately, and with some of the people I work with. I'm ok right now. I've been planning on posting about it, just haven't got around to it yet. If I get pissed off again, I will post.


I think our customers (or just some of them) are getting more stupid with every passing hour. I won't go into details, but I got yelled at by a customer earlier on this week because of something he had to do himself, but says he didn't. I could understand if the change was on only our system or only on his. But this was on both of the systems. It had to be done by him or someone with his user/pass (he says no one else has it). Anyway he got pissy because I told him he had to be the one to do it (and he screamed and said I was calling him a lier) then he canceled the next day. After telling me to take this internet and shoving it up my ass. Real fun. Made for an interesting day for the rest of the people I work with and our customers. I wasn't in a bad mood or rude before that. But I was for the rest of the day.


Well I finally cleaned my car again today. It was a total mess. After all the rain we have had lately it was very muddy. I decided to wait until it drys up before cleaning it. Well that day was today. I washed it, I used bug and tar crap and got most of that off my car, washed it again. And then Waxed it. Mothers brand California Gold wax rocks. So shiney and pretty.


Any way, i'm off for now.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well Kidlets, I realize it has been a VERY long time since an update. But to be honest, I've had better things to do than update :)


Well last saturday me and tubby went to tulsa. I wanted to check out the OSU-Tulsa campus (i've never seen it so just wondered what it looked like). We also went to see Prisoner on Second Ave at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. I don't remember the address to it, but I think tubby has the info about it on his site.


It was a good play, the guy that played Mel got very very annoying, but it was just part of his acting. I wanted so bad to throw something at him at times. It was a weird reaction.


Before hand we all (me, tubby, brian, bryan, ryan, ben) had gone to Osakas to eat. It was good. Very good salmon.


Tubby built a new computer, the specs are on his site. All I have to say is it boots really fast :)

Well yesterday I worked on Eds computer for him. I put Windows 2000 on it for him. This was the exchange for getting copies of the two Queer as folk episodes that I didn't get captured to mpegs. And as a bonus we got all the UK versions of QaF. I'm going to have to watch it soon. Well anyway, w2k went on his machine quite easily and had all the drivers. But when he got it home his CDR didn't work on it. He called me this morning and I had him bring it back to me and I put Win98 back on it. It seemed to take forever. Oh well. He was pretty good company while we were waiting on it to finish. We were talking some and I thought "hey, this is kinda like my website, but in real time" Ya I know its lame, but I was amused with it. Anyway, I'll fuq you ppl more later today. I have some bitching to do, but I have to go pick up tubby now. L8terz


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well last night while laying in bed I got a call from my Aunt. She called to tell me that she put my mother in the mental ward of the hospital. This is sad. I have seen that it could possiabley happen (again) but I haven't been around my mom alot recently, well not alot over the last two years really. I had no idea it had gotten this bad. Apparently she has been staying with my aunt for awhile now, and my mom has just been getting worse. She now started hearing voices, my aunt had finally talked her into going to the hospital. My mom has been taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist. She had gotten pretty bad a few months ago and my aunt called me, I came down and talked to my mom. They had been trying to get her to go to the hospital then. My mom was sternly set against it. So I compromised and made her make an apointment with her doctor. Her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital as well but she still wouldn't, so he prescribed her some medication and it seemed to be helping. But now either she stoped taking it or it just stoped working. I know her psychiatrist has been changing her medication around some trying to help, but it didn't. She only got to see her psychiatrist once every three weeks.


My mom didn't want me and my brother to know that she was in the hospital. But my aunt called anyway (3 days after they put her in, yes they said they couldn't find our phone number. I'm kinda chapped about that). I'm dragging my brother with me to the hospital tonight. I'm not going through this by myself this time. Last time when I had to go talk to her he would not go. He prefered to stay home and work on a car or something. I'm still really pissed over that. Its his mother too. I shouldn't be the sole person decideing what to do over her well being. Hell I can bearly take care of myself sometimes. gah I can't help but feel partially responsiable. I told her I was gay recently, and maybe she was in a worse state of mind than I had thought. She seemed to be much better when I was around her, so I thought she could handle it. Maybe not. I could have been what pushed her over the edge.



-- WarriorGu --

darrow@fuqed.net

Its been awhile since an update again. I thought I had better write something before the death threats start comming in again.


I am almost certain now that some of our customers (for the company I work for) have no brain what so ever. I was talking to a customer tuesday because his password wasn't working. Well I changed it for him numerous times throughout the day. Then he called back saying all that was working but he wasn't recieving his email. Well his main account dailup+email was like `btcb` but someone in january logged into our account maintance site with his username and password and setup a mail box called `tcb` then a few days after that setup another one (this is the only one he claims to have set up). But on his desktop he or someone that had access to his computer changed his email to use the tcb instead of btcp. He was bitching saying that he didn't change it and it must have changed its self or we changed it. I tried explaing to him that there is no possiable way for us to change it nor for his computer to change it its self (especially since it was changed to tcb on multiple screens and the account was actually setup on our end as well) and I told him someone had to physically be setting at his computer to set it up. He said he didn't do it. I explained it again (using smaller words) and then he started screaming 'are you calling me a lier boy?'. I swear. I said "No, i'm not calling you a lier, just stateing the facts. Someone had to physically be setting at your computer to change your outlook express settings" he got even pisser and told me to take this internet and shove it up my ass then hung up on me. Yesterday he called and talked to Brian West trying to cancel over the phone. He got upset I believe when bkw told him we require something in writing to cancel. People like this almost make me want to buy a gun.


Well me and tubby also went to Fort Smith tuesday to pick up chris and run around (we dicided that we wanted to go when chris wouldn't have his accessories, some will get what I mean by that). We walked the mall and talked, we still can't get tubby to go into sears. teehee, I wonder if quinton has anything to do with that :P. We left the mall unamused and went to the Outback Steak House to eat, Since tube steak isn't on their menu I order the Chicken something or another. It was good. Tubby ordered a steak (which he ordered wrong i guess, it came out almost moooving). He didn't eat even tho he paid enough for that steak so that 3 meals could have been purchased. He eneded up eating off mine and chris plate (this has become a usual activity). I think we weirded out the old people setting next to us, they kept stareing. We were actually pretty calm that night, no showtunes or anything. Tubby laid his head on my sholder for awhile, I guess that was too much for them. The stared at us almost the entire time we were there. Towards the end of the meal, tubby got tired/upset or something. He just got quiet and started acting weird. The waitress came by and noticed that he hadn't eaten his steak and asked if it was ok (he said yes even tho it wasn't) so she asked what was wrong. Chris said something about tubby was comming off his crack. She jokingly asked if we wanted her to go in back and get him a fix. We laughed. She got a BIG tip.


Well thats about it for Tuesday night. Oh well we did talk about mine and tubbys first few dates. He now knows how much he origionally weirded me out. Chris knows too :) I stuck around tho. Even tho I didn't know what to expect I seen something else to him that made me stick around.


Last night (friday) we eneded back up in fort smith. We went and deposited my paycheck. And let tubby look at some Handspring Visors at Officemax. We first stoped at Mazzios in Spiro for tubby to get something to drink (i had him get me something too :) ) He found out that all the people he hated there are no longer there. And one of the persons he really liked to work with is back. He wanted to get a job there in the evenings. I guess sleep doesn't mean much :) He ordered some Mexican Nachos. They were good, tasted alot like Taco Salad tho :P


We left from there and went on to FTSM. Got into decent a decent cell phone reception area and called Chris to see where he wants to meet us at. Well him and bkw were going to the movies at 9:45 tosee What women want. We decided to just meet them then since this was only about an hour off. We did our thing then. We ended up spending most of the time at Books a Million. Where they finally carry 2600 the hackers quarterly. I've been begging them for years to carry it and finally gave up. I was just walking around last night and stumbed upon it and bought a copy.


We were sitting and reading when chris and bkw called and asked where we were. It was 15 min till the movie started. *whoops*. So we left BAM and got to carmike in time actually. I had already seen What Women Want. Its a good movie, it really didn't bother me to see it again. During the movie we were all cutting up some as usual. The two highlights where when tubby grabbed chrises hand and started massaging it. Well he inadvertantly (sp?) held his hand over his crotch area and it looked like he was making ummmm masturbation motions with chris hand. I pointed this out and they both stoped and got embarrased. Chris felt violated :P The other point was when someone a few rows up got a phone call, (she didn't have the ringer off). She stood up to walk out of the theater and tubby shouted at her "Thats just rude!" she turned and took a bow. Tubby said he liked her for that. The movie was over not long after that, I think everyone enjoyed it. Chris and bkw were going to get food after the movie, tubby was tired or felt bad I think so we decided to go home. He was drving after all, I didn't have much say (i really didn't care either way, I was tired too). That concludes all the interesting and uninteresting points that I can think of and/or am allowed to post about the last few days. chow


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Sorry for the Titney Spears line. Oh well. Well I kind of feel like an ass. I was replying to one of Chrises emails yesterday and repied "your a sexky bitch. there i emailed you" and instead of just replying apparently I replied to all and sent it to everyone. Including Ed, Sara and a few others. Oh well. It was an honest mistake. At least there was nothing personal in it. I did how ever get a nasty-o-gram from some Jennifer person. Chris assures me she didn't mean to come off nasty sounding, but at first impression she did.


Well our Dish got installed today, I'm a bit disappointed. It doesn't have event timers, and its guide is a slow ass peice-ole-flaming-shit, so someone will actually have to remember to set it to showtime this saturday to record Queer as Folk (I missed it last sunday so I am having to catch it now to record it, its the only one we don't have so far). Normally it woudln't be a problem because I would be home to do it, but me and tubby have theater tickets and will be in tulsa, so I have to rely upon my brother or sis-in-law to do it. If I do end up messing up and not getting a copy, I just hope one of my loyal readers out there tapes it so that I can get a copy :) as tubby says *hint* *hint*, *nudge* *nudge*.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well since everyone is issueing me death threats so that I will come "fuq them" heres a post.


Well tonight sitting at the office waiting on tubby to get off I got bored and started playing with our label maker. So I made a label that says "Hi, I'm Gay! Don't worry, Its not contagious" (I got this from a pin brian west has/had) and it had the 2 male symbol thing on it. Anyway, I took tubby home while I was wearing the tag, he said he woudln't be seen with me while I was wearing the tag. I found it amusing. Anyway, I decided to go over to McCurtain since I was bored and didn't have anything else to do, wearing the tag none the less. I drove over there, and was all anxious to actually see what reactions I got from people until I actually pulled into town. Once there this panic attack of a feeling set in. I was too afraid to even stop and get out of my car to get a soda. Its the oddest thing. Why would I get a panic attack just from wearing a tag that says I'm gay? Hell I labeled my self so to speak and was going to see what peoples reactions were, but I guess I'm too chicken. I shouldn't care what they think/say/do. I'll have to reflect on this somemore. If you have any ideas or suggesting just drop me an email or post a comment on this post.


In other news most of the last few days has been boreing. The highlight has been putting advertisements in newspapers for the company I work for. Yeah! On an interesting note, I am now getting some of my readers emailing me (besides the ones I write about and that are in my inner circle). One of tubbys and chrises instructors from high school reads my site (as well as his wife I believe). He thinks i'm a neat person. It feels good for people to say that, especially ones that only have gotten to know me through this site. They know what I am really like before ever really talking to me. Its also nice to know that people actually read my site :)


Well I'm off to do other things, our new Dish gets installed tommarow. YEAH. And I have to go make sure tubby doesn't lick anymore Live Wires ;)


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well today I began my journey to find a new TV Sat Reciever. We had DirecTV up until friday this week. It was shut off on friday (for a reason out of our control) anyway, we were going to get it reactivated but since it has been deactivated they would not allow us to use our old Access Card/code on the system and insist that we buy a new card for $90.00. Ya right, a whole new system (reciever, sat, card) cost only $49.99. Well we went to wal-mart to pick up one of the new systems. They were sold out (hurray for stigler wal-mart). Went to Muskogee to try and find one, Wal-Mart was sold out. K-Mart had 3 in stock but wanted $79.99 for them (I didn't want to pay this if I could get it for 49.99) so I called tubby, had him pull up the address for the Radio Shack (you've got questions, we've got blank stares) in Muskogee. We went there, surprise surprise, they are closed on sunday. We also looked at Sears at Arrow Head Mall. Apparently Sears only sells Dish network now. Well I called my brother and told him our prediciment, he decided that we should go ahead and switch to Dish (we get alot more channels in the full pack for less money than what you get on DSS). Well the Sears people were clueless as to how to sell it, so we left sears without a dish system. I came home (after picking up tubby, stashing him in the back of my sis-in-laws car with my neice) and loged onto dish networks website, found the contact info, called them, ordered the system. It will be here Wed. YEAH, Just in time to catch the reruns of this weeks Queer as Folk. We got the system for free since we did a 1 year contract. We get 30 days to try the service free of charge, if we don't like it within that 30 days we can cancel and not be obligated any further.


Anyway, after all this, me and tubby went and watched Bless the Child. Eck VHS. I haven't used it in years now. Anyway, we blew the dust off our VCR enough for it to work :) I like blowing ;) It was a very good movie actually, I didn't think that I had heard of it, but after I started watching it I realized that I have seen the trailers to it.


Tubby stayed after the movie and ate with us, we had Indian Tacos (which were good, but the bread got messed up by mistake, deborah forgot that she had all-purpose flour instead of self rising, so she mixed in the bakeing soda and such that she needed then, but it tasted werid because she used too much). A very good side of the evening is that my brother didn't seem weirded at all that tubby was here. Maybe he has accepted him finally, no we are not fucking anymore (not for lack of me trying :) ) but we are friends and he will be a part of my life and be around. He had to adjust to it eventually.


I got scolded by tubby multiple times tonight for being ummm cute. ya ya thats it. Na, I was being very flirty and trying to seduce him. (like I always try). He likes it, he know he does :) You've got some cock and some balls, you should let me play with them (an adaptation of an Adam Sandler line). Anyway, I had to rush him home (actually he drove) so that he could watch The Practice (since we don't have sat right now). Now I am writeing a post. Woohooo. Tubby said he was going to get off later this evening, maybe he will have a fantacy about me (teehee).


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

---

Tubby Note:


I DID NOT say that I was going to get off later that evening! Even if I did, I didn't mean in THAT way!!


Tubby


stallard@cwis.net

This is definatly fuqed worthy news. I was sitting at the office today doing homework and talking to tubby, when the dumb ass licked a live phone cable. OH MAN WAS IT FUNNY. He flew back in his chair, said some explicative phrases and threw the cable back across the room. I laughed so hard that I couldn't breath.


Well we had a girls night out again last night. Me, tubby, chris and brian went to the movies and then out to eat afterwards. We went to see Enemy At The Gates. *slurp* Jude Law. yummie. I was in super happy mode yesterday. I think its all the crack I'm on, ummmm I mean the St. Johns Wart I started taking. That stuff is rocking so far. I take so many Nutritional Supplements a day now. I take 2 Kava Kava root pills at night, then in the mornings I wake and take 2 200mg Chromium Picolinate pills, 1 St. Johns Wart, 1 Daily Multiple Vitamin. Then later on in the day I take another St. Johns Wart. It seems like a bit much, but I can feel its helping some. I seemed extremely personable last night, I wasn't as much of one tonight when tubby took me out to dinner, but still I felt alot better than I usually do.


After the movies last night we went to eat, we started to go to the Waffle House and we actually went, we couldn't get any service so we left. But while we were there tubby and chris ran into someone they knew from another school and they started talking about speech and such. I know very little about what they were talking about since I wasn't in speech myself, I wish McCurtain had offered it when I was there. Or at least some form of debate. I have floored tubby a few times when were are talking about stuff and he thinks I would make a good debater. Well anyway, we ended back up at Dennys. We managed to clear every table within a 3 table radius around us again. Being the loud, obnoxious, showtune singing queens we are. Eventually on during the night/morning the waitress had to sush us a few times. We annoyed quite a few customers. Oh there were even this really really cute gay couple from greenwood (chris knew them) that were on a date and we annoyed them so much that they moved tables. They were both very cute, I wanted so bad to walk over to them and give them my business card and say "if it doesn't work out between you two, just give me a call". I'm actually too shy around new people to do that, plus it wouldn't have been proper.


That was it for last night, me and tubby ran around like little kids while running to my car and such. We started wrestling in the Carmike Theater parking lot. It was fun. I also got scolded on multiple occassions for being to grabby from tubby. What can I say? hes just so grabable :)


Tonight tubby took me out to dinner. He got a credit card finally and guess he wanted to break it in. We ate at TGI Fridays. Thats like one of the only resturants in Fort Smith that I haven't ever eaten at. Well I have now and I like it. I like it alot. I think it has now become my favorite place. They actually have a decent menu. I have gotten so tired of Chilies and Applebees. The atmosphere is very nice, food is good and the waiters have nice asses. Perfect combo. Tubby was baby sitting for his friend Terri. It wasn't a real baby, but one of those electronic babys for her umm I can't think of the proper name for the class, home ec., Family Development or something like that classes. So we took care of that, ate, and then we drove around for a few hours afterwards just talking. I shown tubby alot of beautiful sites in Van Buren that he had never seen before. We seem to talk alot now. I like it, hes finally seems to be opening up to me. We have decided that if we do anything next weekend that it will be in another city. We are both quite tired of Fort Smith.


I think I am going to go up next Saturday to tulsa and check out OSU-Tulsa since I may end up going there if we can't make VoIP work from OSU-Stillwater like I want so that I can go to school there and keep my job. I've decided that I am at a point in my life, at least financially, that most college students are striving to achieve and that I should not give that up simply becuase I had always planned on trying to be a "normal" student for the first time in my life by going to stillwater, living on campus, and trying to fit in. I feel like I am not getting the college experiance that I keep hearing so much about. Hell CASC is barely a hole in the ground let alone a college, and I don't think I can get the experiance by not living on campus. Tulsa is going to be VERY difficult. Since I will have to get an Apt, pay utilities ect I will need a BIG raise in my salary. With my current salary I couldn't live. I know if I stayed in Waterford Apts (where some friends I have now live) the rent/lease payment is about $518.00/month. Thats just about 1 whole paycheck for me (I only get 2 per month, bi-weekly pay and all). And my car payment is about 2/3s of another check. So that would leave little to pay utilities, get food, and general everyday expenses. It just woudln't work. If I had a roommate it would be easier, and tubby thought about it, but I believe he will ultimately decide to go on to OU-Norman therefore thats not an option for me, and I don't want a stranger living with me. Life decisisons suck.


Anyway, enough of this post, i've been awake over 12 hours today, its time for bed :)


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Kids, I finally did it. I finnished buytubby.com! And, if I do say so my self it looks pretty damn good!

Tubby


stallard@cwis.net


http://www.buytubby.com/

Well Kidlets, as promised here is GU PORN



BOTH HANDS ON THE KEYBOARD!!!!!


Everyone can email me their fantasies they have after seeing this :)


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Ok, I'm pissed and NO I AM NOT OVERREACTING. I just got off the phone with bkw and he started telling me that You should go to Stillwater. WTF is this? I have felt like all week that hes been plotting my demise. Hes said on more than one occassion that "When" (wtf is with this I haven't made the decision yet) I have to quit and go to stillwater yada yada yada. Yes, I know he wants to try and get Chris a job if chris decided to go to tulsa with him. But at what cost? I feel like hes trying to push me out of the door. It really pisses me off that he can so easily suggest that I cast aside my job, one btw that I have put my heart and soul into for 2 years and 4 months as of today. Its not often that they will find someone like me thats willing to work for shit and do tons. I honestly enjoy my job and don't feel that its all about money, but alot of people are not like that. It just really chaps me.


-- WarriorGuy --

the disgruntled employee of the day.

darrow@fuqed.net

Ok, I think we are going to have to re nickname tubby. When I came in the office yesterday I had noticed some umm oddities. First was the fact that I was hovering over tubby helping him work on his website when he noticed that *whoops* hes fly was unziped. I was like umm kay, and through out a funny comment at the time about him masturbating at my desk. Oh but then it got better, as I looked around on my desk I noticed this peice of Velcro Strap that we had made jokes about the day before as being a make shift cock ring. This fueling my speculations even more. But then, oh this is really the beautiful part, as we were leaving the office I noticed my tube of hand lotion laying on the desk. Tubby immediatly got red in the face and said, "that really doesn't help appearences does it?" I was like no. And of course made fun of him more. Makes ya wonder what he does when hes here by himself doesn't it? :P I think hes going to kill me after he finds that I have made this a post.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net


p.s. btw I don't actually think tubby masturbates at the office, but for the love of all that is good (hmm where did that phrase come from?) it really did look funny comming in and finding all that stuff.

Well I was informed today (not by my boss, who apparenly likes to ignore my emails) that if/when I go to stillwater to college I will lose my job. I had been under the impression that when I went they were going to work with me so that I could keep my job, I had asked before. I think there is a way that we haven't found yet, or they just don't want to try. *sigh* they suck.


So now I have to decide if I want to go ahead and go to stillwater, quit my job, and try to find anotherone that is as flexiable for me and my class hours that can support me. Or move to tulsa, and go to OSU-Tulsa, or TU and just work from our Tulsa Office when it opens. I really would rather not move to tulsa just yet, I have always planned on Stillwater. I'm never happy when I change my plans, especially ones that have been set for so long.


I think tubby has pretty much decided to put off college for a year and move to tulsa as well and work. We breifly brought up the idea of sharing an apartment. We will see what happens and what we both decide upon. Well i'm all distressed over this and am going to bed. I have more to get off my chest later, so i'll just write it tommarow morning.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Follow This Link for this post.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

I have a new website! I'm just tickled pink!

Anyway, I finally got around to doing somthing with buytubby.com. It actually looks fairly decent but I've still got a lot of tweaking to do. So come pay me a visit at www.buytubby.com!

Tubby


stallard@cwis.net

Well today I am feeling much better. I finally didn't wake up crying. I guess all the thinking I did last night helped somewhat.


Well Brian moved to tulsa today, he should have his own apartment in a few weeks. I've been giving serious thought to moving to tulsa after Carl Albert. I would rather go to stillwater, but if going to stillwater means loosing my job I guess I will just make the sacrafice and go to OSU-Tulsa or TU.


Well I think Brian and Chris are hitting it off fairly well. I'm not going to speculate on anything with or about them until I find out more details. (i'm actually afraid to ask for details) ;)


Well I emailed a guy on planetout today that I have been talking to some. I think I may ask him out on a date soon, I grow tired of the email thing. Its so hard to think of conversation and questions to ask on email when its not so interactive.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

I bet you didn't know that a blow job and an ink pen are a lot alike. You suck, and suck, and suck then all of a sudden you have a bad tast in your mouth!

Tubby

stallard@cwis.net

P.S. I should note that it was bkw who origionally said this.

Ok, those of you who have been around me lately (especially this weekend) have noticed how I have not been myself. Yes, something is bothering me. No I do not know what it is. All I know for sure is that I have felt sad very very sad all week. I have been putting up a good front until friday and today. I just don't have the energy to hide it anymore. I also know that whatever is bothing me must be manifesting its self in my dreams. I have been waking up all during the night crying. Every night this week so far I have been awakened by myself crying. The truely sad thing is that I never do remember my dreams, so I have no earthly idea what it is about or why I am crying.


I finally started thinking about it and talking to tubby on my way back from Fort Smith. Since tubby was driving it made it easier to concentrate on it. I don't know for sure of any one problem that I have that could be causing this. All of the ones I have thought of, I have had for awhile so I don't see why it would be taking this long to manifest its self. Anyway, for those interested I will list the problems that I have faced lately that bother me:

My Brother not accepting that I am gay.

My Mother not truely accepting that I'm gay, she thinks its just a phase.

My feeling rejected by tubby.

The extreme lonelyness I have been feeling.

The fear of loosing my job when I move off to college in Aug.

Being accepted my my college peers once I am there.

Trying to decide when/how to tell my father that I am gay.



I was thinking on the way home (well psycoanalizing myself) but one possiable thing could be that I have a fear of rejection. Which is a common aspect of all the problems I listed above.


Within the last few months I have been rejected by almost everyone I have had any kind of feelings for. My brother rejects me because he doesn't like the idea that I am gay, he won't even really talk to me about it. My mother doesn't accept that I am gay, she doesn't reject me, but she is denying that an important part of who I am isn't really there. So shes really not loving me for the whole me. Tubby rejected me to an extent when we broke up.

All I have ever wanted was to be accepted and loved, I think this is all anyone ever really wants. This doesn't seem to be what is happening anymore. I know it may sound cheesy but literally no one has told me they loved me in probley a year at least. Definatly not since I have started comming out to my family. Maybe I shouldn't have to hear it to know it, but its nice and reafirming to hear it some times.


Tonight after all of us got done bowling me and tubby drove around for abit before heading home. We started talking, both about our fears of whats comming up soon in our life and the uncertanity that lies before both of us. Its frightening. I will be forced to move to a new city and start a new college. Litterally have very few friends there, and the ones that are there are always busy, not to meantion the fact they aren't gay so I really can't have as much fun with them as I can my gay friends. I know I will make friends there, but again that fear of rejection thing kicks in. It almost makes me afriad to try. That is one reason I don't do well with meeting people, especially ones that I would like to date. I fear the fact that I may get rejected, possiabley because they may not be gay, but even worse for the fact that they are and don't want to have anything to do with me. So if I keep this current view up I will forever be lonely. I also wish my brother would be more forthcomming with why he doesn't accept me as a homosexual. My mom makes it clear why she doesn't accept it, shes a die hard bible tumping baptist.


An other major problem that could be causing this is the fear of have of loosing my job when I move to stillwater. I mean if we can't find a way to get calls to me they won't have a use for me. I fear loosing my job because I have so many bills that won't just go away. Tubby was comforting me by telling me that he is sure I could find another job if need be, but honeslty I don't have any skills that a billion other people in this job field doesn't already have. I also have no skills in getting a job, literally both jobs I have ever had has fell into my lap. My current employer had emailed me asking if I wanted the job, I didn't even have to go looking for it. I will be devistated if I get fired.


Another thing I have been thinking about is the proposition that Brian had made about me moving to tulsa and us all getting a house together. I would still be able to keep my job, and go to college. But its differing from the origional plan I have had. I have found that anytime I change my plan to something that wasn't origionally figured in, that I am never happy with it. But more and more it seems like it would be something I would like to do. Which scares me since I have such little time to make a decision. I have already started my enrollment process at OSU-Stillwater and its damn near complete. That means I would either have to start over with all the stuff and loose all the deposits I have made, or see if they can transfer all my information over to OSU-Tulsa. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.


I've also been disatisfied with how my work has been going. I still love the job but I'm not doing what I would rather be doing. I want to learn more about network administration and configuring network equipment like NAS and Routers. Yet I am stuck in a rut just doing tech support and billing and being a gerneral all around paper pusher. I'm just not finding the satisfaction in that, that I used to. Enough wineing for one night, I am tired now and think I shall try to sleep.


I do want to say thanks to tubby for listening to me wine tonight. After we got back to keota he hugged me and told me it would all be alright, and I honestly did not expect such a simple gesture to feel so good and help so much. After I got back in my car I cryed harder than I had in a long time, which really seem to have help. So once again, thanks tubby for being there, I honestly don't know what I would do without you anymore.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well, it seems that our friend Warriorguy has a bad case of "writters cramp", so I the all knowing and wonderful Tubby will be telling you about our night.

Well, for me things couldn't have gotten of to a worse start. I lost my wallet (I later found it under my bed). I was devistated and heart broken. It wasn't until I thought my wallet was gone forever did I realize how much shit I keep in that thing. The loss 'O my wallet also ment that we couldn't do anyting that required I.D. so that really sucked. (yes, I know sucking is a virtue/skill)

I don't remember what we (me bkw and Wguy) talked about on the way to Ft. Smith. I do know that it was semi-interesting, but not enough for me to remember. I do remember calling Chris and saying "Hello, this is Kris from whores.cwis.net, and wholey owned subsitiary of CWIS Internet. It is my understanding that you are using more than one of our whores at a time. This is not permitted with the account you have. If you would like I can update you to our 'multi-whore' accout!"

I thought it was funny

Once we got Chris we went to eat at El Chico's on the mall. We decided to go there as a compremise: I wanted to cruse the mall, and bkw wanted to eat (Wguy and Chris are bottoms, they have no say ;->) so we ate there. One of the first things we notice about the place is that "Same day Service" was painted on one of the rafters. Interpret it however you please

Our waiter was a mix between funny and scary! He kept talking about all sorts of stuff but thing I remember most was when he looked at at Chris and bkw and said "is this ya'lls first time out together?" I thought I was going to die! Also, it was decided that my speaking rights were to be revoked while we were at El Chico's. I was not happy about that.

After we ate we went and watched "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" or as Wguy likes to call it "Squatting Pussy, Missing Lizard", that's just not right. For the most part the movie was good. Of course it wasn't in english so we had to read subtitles which wasn't bad, but I missed a few lines because I wouldn't be paying attention. The only real problem I had with the movie is the very ending. I just don't understand it! If anyone has any good theorys on the ending e-mail them to me at stallard@cwis.net

Lets see... After we left the theatre we went to the Zero St. Wall-Mart. And I was graced with the privilage of driving Wguy's Mustang! Wal-Mart was kinda fun. We did a lot of walking. While I was there I bought ink for my printer and a shirt (which I'm wearing right now!). We also bought some ice cream. It was good I had "death by chocolate". Chris and bkw had some cookie dough shit. It looked nasty to me.

We relly didn't do much after that. We drove around some, stoped at a gas station and sat there for a while then we took Chris home. It was fun. Oh, and yes, Wguy let me drive his 'stang all the way back to Keota!

You have now been Fuqed. Now wasn't that fun? I thought it was. Wguy will add another post after this to add more detail. I'm not a good writer nor do I enjoy doing it so I left a bunch of details out.

Tubby


stallard@cwis.net

Well this is HELLA funny.. I butchered The Sixth Sense, ya know the part where he says "I see dead people." wel here it is..



And the Butchered Movie lines of the week!

---------------------------------------------

Cole Sear: I see gay people.



Malcolm Crowe: In your dreams? While you're awake? Gay people like, in bars? In drag?



Cole Sear: Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're gay.



Malcolm Crowe: How often do you see them?



Cole Sear: All the time.



Ok I think this is funny.. ssshhhhh I see gay people! :)



Ok Ok I can't stop laffing now.



Later,

BKW

Ok, You know its time to clean your closet out when you open the door and a tube of lube falls down and smacks you on the head. I didn't go to class today and stayed home cleaning out my closet. You know, theres alot more room in there without me being in it :)


Welp this weekend should be fun. My moms comming to stay the weekend, so is Brian West now. My brother will be outnumber by the shear ratio of 4:1 of people who like cock to vagitarians :) Brian and Greg are seperating for sure now it looks like. I wish them both the best of luck. Greg is being a dumb ass by saying things like "well i'm hope i'm still alive when you come back this weekend" and "i'll start smoking again and maybe the cancer will kill me" i'm in agreement with brian when he says he shouldn't have to put up with that. Tubbys says that "Greg is using his illness to inflict pain upon Brian" so in other words hes saying that Greg is just being mean.


Speaking of tubby, hes feeling rather full of himself today. It all started with his little flyer idea going over well. Now he has brought change upon a small oklahoma community. It all started with him opening a trouble ticket on a down T1 that his school had. Then he found out that the telephone repair guy had to go back and get a part to repair their T1. Well when he came back he brought six repair crews. The next thing we know cables are falling from the heavens, well at least from the utility poles :). They started switching people that were on the arial copper to the buried cable. My openion is that they found some major problem with the arial copper that was probley brought on by the large ice storm we just had recently. Well that means improved service for the small town that most likely would not have happened as soon. Lets all give tubby a pat on the back, or a foot in the ass for this depending on if you work for the telco or not. Tubby is also proud that he was one of the first people to ever be put on the burried cable when it came to his town.


Welp i'm off to tend to my water buffalo bites that I got last night in bed. hehe.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Oh the horror, the horror. I've been cast aside from the office by the gossipy queens!


Oh i'm over reacting, but isn't that fun? Brian and tubby were gossiping on the phone, first about me (which turned to why doesn't tubby sexor me so I will shut up) which didn't last long, then they went off on gossiping about chris. *sigh* Tubby told me to go to class (which I am skipping today) so that pretty much mean "get out of the office bitch your cramping my style and I might want to talk about you behind your back"!!!! OH THE HORROR :P Just kidding.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Welp, Not much to write home about today. Picked up tubby and brought him to work. He was rather ticked at speech people that he had to deal with at KHS. I feel bad for the boy, he can't handle much more before he starts climbing clocktowers with a sniper rifle (no i'm not being serious, nor making lite of current shootings that are happening in schools, i am using this for emphesis).


I did find a cheap HP scanner at officemax.com tho, I ordered both me and tubby one. COMMING SOON TO A FUQED NEAR YOU, GU PORN! :) Na, I have a digital camera, I could already be doing that, but i'm self consious about my body :) Well I talked to Chris Baker on MSN Messanger last night, hes so much fun. Its nice to talk to someone that has the same amount of perversion as ones self :) Welp, I believe that will be all for tonight kidlets. Good Night and don't let the water buffalo bite!


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Well today was semi eventful. At least its not too boreing that it doesn't warrent a post. Me and tubby went to sallisaw and put out flyers for the company we work for (ya I know kind of a grass roots advertising project) in convience stores. Well that turned out well, some people higher up (i won't name names) didn't think it would work very well yet we have already had several people call us and sign up because they have seen the forms. YEAH! I must give credit to tubby, he was the one who kicked me in the ass and got me going on this.


We did meet two nice guys at Mazzios while we were there eating lunch, one was asking us about computer questions (when he didn't have the other guy bent over making humping gestures at him). Both were cute. The one that we had little contact with was the cutier of the two.


Tubby also applied for a loan while we were up there, but since he just turned 18 and has NO credit he wasn't able to get any. That sucks too, I would like to see him be able to get started. And he will probley have to get a loan to get a vehicle. Maybe one of the Credit Cards he applied for will approve him, its at least a start.


I also added more pictures to my Photo Album today, you can access the new gallery directly by clicking here.


*sigh* I tried multiple times tonight to seduce tubby to no avail. Makes a person just want to give up. YA RIGHT! Hes a hottie, i'll always try :)


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Friday me and tubby went to Fort Smith to kill time. It was fun but we have gotten into a rut where we do the same thing everytime we are there. We need to go to a diff city with other things to do.


I did pick up the new John Grisham book, "A Painted House". From what I have read so far it seems as if its going to be a good book.


My mother also called saturday morning. Deborah got to talk to her. Shes still being whiney about me being gay and "shes praying that its just a phase" shes so convinced that its just a phase. Its not. I have told her this many times. Anyway, apparenlty shes comming out next weekend to visit. So I will have to put up with her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Gees. I will deal with it friday but if she gets too bad I am outa here. I'm going to have fun with this tho. I'm going to make my bedroom so gay (like it needs much help now) that maybe it will help her freaking get over it. Or maybe scare her off early. Either way, deborah will be thankful. All my comming out books, porno, advocate, XY and Out magazines laying around my desk, as well as my Axiom books. My Queer as Folk poster being hung proudly as well as my PlanetOut T-Shirt being hung on the wall. I need to find a rainbow flag now :) This doesn't make me evil does it? heh. I don't care. Its going to be interesting at least.


I did come to realize last night that I might actually have Social Anxiety Disorder. I did some research today and stumbled across this. I answered the little abridged quiz they had there of three questions and answered all three yes (only need two to be concerned). I think I am going to talk to a doctor this week and see about getting me a presription of paxil. Maybe it will help. I might as well and join the rest of my family (save my brother) that is on some form of drug for a mental disorder. blug


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

-- Disclamer: The following post is only what I have been led to believe with the current information I have. There may be gross inaccuracys in my ideas and beliefs, which one may clarify if wrong via posting comments. Some of the information given here I might not supposed to know. I am learning so much from people now that it is hard to keep seperated what Is supposed to be private and what isn't. I'm sorry if I hurt anyones feelings over this, feel free to email me and bitch. I will not remove this post under any cirmstances.


Tubby seemed a bit hurt last night over how much Chris and Brian were being flirty with eachother. On numerous occasions through out the night he had meantioned to me that he wish they would just go do what ever they are going to do and get over it. Here is my reasonings as to why he felt hurt.


I believe that tubby has a crush on Chris. Even tho they are friends he feels that he would like it to be more. When Brian and Chris hit it off so quickly and they were being flirty it brought up the jealousy as to how he would have have a physical relationship with chris (which chris even stated when he said that he could never sleep with tubby since it would be like sleeping with his brother). Well this is something tubby did not want to hear there for was hurt. I also am led to believe that tubby has a thing for terri (one of his hetero female friends). One reason I believe he has the feelings for her is that Chris had slept with her (yes hes gay, we won't go into why he did this). But tubby may feel that if slept with her, he would be at least at some level closer to chris.


Ok now about Chris and Brian. Brian is currently in a relationship (5 years I believe). Brian is not happy, all they do is fight. I believe he is ready to end the relationship and move on, especially after they fight they had last night when he got home. He probley feels that the relationship isn't going to move any further, all they do is fight anymore and they really don't have anything in common. One reason the relationship has probley lasted is because his current partner was the one that was there when Brian came out and his family rejected him. Loving someone while they are going through rejection from the rest of their family will create a tight bond, yet its only temporary. It is bound to fail eventually if that it the sole basis that the relationship is founded upon.


Chris altho I really don't know much about him from first hand knowledge, I do know what tubby has told me. Which since they are good friends is almost as good as hearing it directly from chris. I believe chris loves michael but they relationship has been stressed by an incident that I won't meantion here. I don't know how happy he is, but I can also see the simmularities here where Michael was the one that was there for chris while he was comming out. I don't know the two of them well enough to know if they have anything else in common.


Brian and Chris did flirt quite a bit last night. Brian had even meantioned once on the way home that chris was so his type. I dought anything ever does happen between them, but It could get interesting if anything did. One night is hardly a basis to form ideas on anything. It was most likely just friendly flirtation, which with two gay guys can get a bit carried away. But its fun.


Again this ideas in this post may be totally unfounded, but feel free to post comments to clarify anything or to totally deny all of it. I don't mean to hurt or upset anyone by this post but it could happen. I use this website as my online journal to write down my thoughts, it just so happens that I have a pretty large following of readers :)


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net

Oh man. Last night was fun. Me, Brian West, Tubby, and Chris Baker (joined the crew later on in the night) were running around Fort Smith. I had origionally planned to go to Kinkeads (Fort Smiths only 18 allowed gay bar) and didn't really have much other plans. We headed down to ftsm and first stoped by Wendys to see chris and find out if he wanted to go with us after he got off work. He did so we had to kill a few hours. But while we were there at Wendys, we met one of Chris's lovely little Co-Workers. Her name was Jessica (i think, maybe jennifer). She was such the enlightened one, she was so wise to as "So are all of you, like him?" and then pointed to chris. OH man was this fun. Well tubby said "they are gay, i'm bi". We ate and left shortly after this. Come to find out later that after we left her and chris were talking and chris said something that brought up tubby and she said "I wouldn't date him since hes bi. Some man has probley streached his ass out". OHHH that was just cruel. Anyway, I think Chris got her back. I seem to remember him saying something about reporting her harrassing customers to the manager.


Well Chris got off work and we went back to his house and let him change and such and we headed down to Kinkeads. Well I can honestly say that when chris says its not much more than a hole in the wall he was right. This thing had to be maybe 12 feet wide. But was fairly long. We sat for awhile and talked and joked. No one else in the bar was dancing. So bkw (brian west) decided he wanted to dance. I have this big fear of being embarrased and being the center of attention so I can't handle things like that. I went on up for like 30 seconds at most and felt so out of place and embarrased that I had to sit down. Quite frankly it scared and embarrased me, I was off my game the rest of the night after that. I usually don't have a problem dancing and such in public when there are more people doing it, but when it was just us four it just feels wrong. Well anyway, they continued dancing and then tubby came and sat down next to me and tried to get me to come back up and dance (he failed), so he went back up and danced more abit then they all sat down and knocked me for being boreing ect ect. It kinda hurt actually now that I am reflecting on it, I coudln't help my responce. Anyway we talked and laughed more then they danced more (and tried to get me too again) but eventually they sat down, we got bored and decided to leave and go to Dennys and eat.


Well I can honestly say, and I think I speak for everyone else that was with me last night, that Dennys sucks. At least the Fort Smith one. The food they ordered tasted bad, and their eggs were not fully cooked. My Waffle was fine tho, but hey how hard is a waffle. We were some of the loudest, how scratch that, we were the loudest people in the place. Cracking rather lude jokes, this is a family resturant mind you, and just generally having fun. Becky our waitress was cool. She appologized for the food being bad and even removed some of it from the tickets. She got a good tip. As we were paying our bill the lady at the register was being rude. She was saying crap like "i didn't come to work tonight to deal with this" and crap. I think she pissed tubby off quite a bit. We have decided to forego ever visiting Dennys again and will do the Waffle House and IHOP when it opens.


After we left Dennys we wondered around Wal-Mart for awhile. This wasn't much fun but no one really wanted to go home. I think tubby did tho. He became isolated from us while we where there. Granted he was very tired and he had to work today. I shouldn't have let them keep him out so late. He also seemed irritated at how much Brian and chris were being flirty. I'm going to make another post over this and some other things I think after this article is done. They may be unfounded and just plain wrong. But I will post what I have gathered so far.


Oh one interesting thing that did happen while we were messing around in wal-mart was that I caught some guy jacking off in the bathrooms. It was funny. At least I belive that is what he was doing, his legs were sprawled out way more than they usually would be in the stall and a low moan was echoing in the bathroom. It was all I could do to keep from laughing. If I would have know what the guy looked like I might have even offered to give him a hand ;) Is that bad of me? Also after I came out of the bathroom and was looking for the fellas I had this lady point out where they were, it was funny, she said "are you looking for those guys?" and did the little limp wrist swish thing. I said ya and chuckled. It was cool. I got a laugh out of it. Oh the wal-mart people were having fun with us too. We found the easter hat/bonnet isle. Oh daddy no, that was the wrong thing for us to find.


We left after this and took chris home, dropped tubby off at his grandmothers (which he doesn't remember, he doesn't remember anything after walking to the car at wal-mart). Me and Brian talked quite a bit between keota and stigler. Yet again this will be another post because I want to seperate the two subjects. He droped me off and it was like 2:30am. So that means tubby got home about 2:20 probley. Man was he tired today. Apparently his grandmother is convinced that we spent the entire night at "Reginas House of Dolls". Pah lease.


-- WarriorGuy --

darrow@fuqed.net